Dear President Trump: an Open Letter from an Empowered Young Woman
|| By Taylor Owens ’20 ||
Dear President Trump,
You are making a HUGE mistake! My name is Taylor. I am a strong, empowered, intelligent young woman who has an important message for you. As the future of this country, I want to share a way that you can make my future a little bit brighter. President Trump, at times, you make me embarrassed to be an American. At the hopeful age of 16, I found my true passion – self-tanning. As a ginger, I thought I was doomed to have pasty skin, reflecting the sun into the eyes of others for the rest of my life.
But on one fateful day, in the King of Prussia Sephora, my mother bought me a bottle labeled “St. Tropez Self-Tan Classic Bronzing Mousse” that changed the course of my life and had been utilized by many greats before me such as Kim Kardashian and Kate Moss. After one week of consistent use, I no longer looked like a sick Victorian child. People had stopped asking me if I had been sleeping enough or if I had gotten the flu vaccine (I always do for the record), but instead they wondered if I had just come back from the Bahamas. My foundation shade changed from porcelain (what a toilet is made out of) to sand – not great but better than a toilet. And I will admit that self-tanner has its haters; my heart truly goes out to guys who never make it past the DMs and girls who don’t think eyebrow products are important. But they are always the first to ask where I went for Spring Break.
Here’s where it comes back to you, President Trump. You are a billionaire and, as President, one of the most powerful people in the entire world. However, your fake tan sucks. It really does. It’s too orange, you neglect your eye area, it’s way too far off of your hairline, and it’s a bit patchy at times. Mr. President, I think it is time to realize that your spray tan lady (or man – it’s 2020, guys) might absolutely hate you. They might assassinate you if they had the chance. And while you have been working tirelessly to try and salvage the economy and save American lives, you have missed a small and easy to fix issue.
If you are reading this, President Trump, there are small fixes you can make to change lives. Patchiness? It’s there because you have mature skin: make sure to exfoliate and use an oil-free moisturizer pre-tan. Pathetic tan around your hairline? Move the hair net back a bit to expose about a quarter-inch of your hair, then wipe the tan residue off of your hair with a dry paper towel. I have light hair too, I understand your struggle. Too orange? Switch formulas and, for the love of God, moisturize. You need a formula with a purple base! Not a red base! A purple base! If I was a billionaire like you, I would only use Norvell tan in Venetian. Norvell is the brand used by almost every commercial tanning salon across this great country. It is about $40 for a month’s worth, but I am certain that if you look over everything in your penthouse apartment of the building with your name on it, you can find room in your budget.
President Trump, please, for people like me, re-evaluate your tanning routine. I can’t say you’ve lost my vote, because during Biden’s tenure in the Obama administration, the ghastly tanning tax was introduced that drastically drove up the price of all tanning-related services and closed countless salons across the country. So I believe in you! I believe that your tan can make it look like you play more golf than you already do. You finally have the opportunity to make something you do not controversial.
Taylor A. Owens