SATIRE: Dear Blue: A survivor’s guide to The Hill School


As the Hill welcomes a great number of new students to its campus, it feels appropriate to provide a guide on how to survive The Hill School and its sometimes conf

using rules, unknown expectations, and definite prohibitions.  So here are some do’s and definitely don’ts for all things Hill: 


  • Table waiters: no one’s really that hungry, so please just walk as slow as humanly possible.
  • If you’re a fan of standing by yourself and making awkward eye contact, then arrive early to the Dining Hall.  
  • Make sure to choose the stack of plates when cleaning up, especially if you aren’t too strong.
  • But, if you’re a germaphobe, well then, go for the utensils because used silverware is so clean.
  • Girls, if you can’t tell if your skirt is too short, then just roll it some more.
  • I’m sorry but you just can’t wear white after Labor Day.  (And don’t even think of wearing a red and black outfit: we’re not in New Jersey.)

    Illustration by Angie Chi ’23.
  • Day students, you sound 10 times cooler if you call the locker room the DSL — trust me.  Oh, and don’t bother storing anything in your locker, you’ll know what you need days ahead of time.
  • Boarding students, if you want to finish your work, make sure you have an unlimited data plan.
  • Wave says you’re “on dorm.”  Oh really?  
  • Think your roommate will become your BFF?  Psych, your best friend will be Doordash.
  • Lights-out, noun, meaning: unknown.
  • Walk against the flow of stairwell traffic and don’t get trampled if you fall.
  • Just ignore people when they pass you and say hi — it always brightens their day.
  • Reserve a bed at the Wellness Center during your exam period because you feel a “headache” coming on.
  • Make sure to bring an apple to eat in class, especially on test day — everyone will love you.
  • Not in the mood for practice?  Go spend a much-needed hour with the trainers because you’re “injured.”
  • New students, don’t know what to expect?  Don’t worry, neither do the rest of us thanks to COVID!


In all honesty though, the whole school community is excited to welcome you to our family and is grateful that you chose Hill.  And, throughout the year, if you ever need advice, feel free to contact Dear Blue, The Hill News’ very own anonymous advice column.