In a groundbreaking effort to further differentiate among the nation’s top high school students, elite universities across the nation announced yesterday that it will now require applicants to demonstrate proficiency in pickle eating.
“Our applicant pool has become so exceptional that traditional metrics like perfect GPAs, flawless SAT scores, and founding five non-profits by age 17 no longer suffice,” said Dean of Admissions Bill Overachiever at a press conference. “We needed a new criterion that captures the unique blend of digestive perseverance that defines the future leaders of tomorrow.”
The announcement sent shockwaves through high schools nationwide. Students are frantically signing up for emergency how-to-eat-pickles courses, while parents are hastily buying up Costco’s entire supplies of Kirkland Signature pickles. “I thought starting a charity for endangered alpacas would be enough,” lamented sixth former Ilya Semerikov ’25. “Now I have to convince my parents to let me eat 500 pickles in an hour to get into Harvard?”
Not to be outdone, college preparatory services have jumped on the opportunity. PrestigePrep™ unveiled their “Pickles and Prestige” summer intensive program mere hours after the announcement. “For a modest fee equivalent to a year’s college tuition, we’ll ensure your child can eat pickles at the Ivy League level,” boasts their website.
Critics argue that the new requirement is both dangerous and discriminatory. “This is just another hurdle that favors the privileged,” said education activist Matt Flynn ’25. “Not everyone has access to buy so many pickles or the resources to learn how to eat them quickly.”
In response to safety concerns, seven of twenty elite universities assured the public that all applicants would be provided with free application waivers during on-campus auditions. “We take student safety very seriously,” Dean Overachiever emphasized. “Only fifty students died during our beta auditions!”
The university also addressed inclusivity issues by introducing a Pickle Eating For All initiative “We’re partnering with local communities to ensure that underrepresented students have the opportunity to hone their pickle eating skills,” said the dean.
As application deadlines loom, the pressure is on. Guidance counselors are scrambling to update their advice, and students are left wondering what new heights—or hazards—they’ll need to embrace to stand out. “First it was AP classes, then extracurriculars, and now this,” sighed junior Arkadi Overworked ’26. “At this rate, college admissions in 2025 will require us to colonize Mars.”
While some remain skeptical, others see the humor in the escalating arms race of college admissions. “It’s almost poetic,” mused satirist sixth former Zimo Tian ’25. “In the quest to find the most extraordinary students, we’ve reached a point where dying from pickles—literally—is the new gold standard.”
