In the last edition of the Hill News, David Tesfaye ‘18 wrote an article describing social anxiety and the dynamics of living in a boys dorm. Tesfaye was a three-year day student and was surprised by how some of the boys bonded over talking about girls.
Tesfaye wrote, “I’m sad to say neither the young women at Hill, nor the administration know the true extent of the disrespect and questionable behavior that goes on behind closed doors in every male dorm. I heard boys talk about girls as if they were slot machines that should be played over and over until you get lucky.”
I had the opportunity to discuss the article and romantic relationships on campus with Tesfaye.
“Having a relationship at Hill seems like a game show environment. You have all these weird circumstances and restrictions on when and where you can get to know someone and somehow you have to try to make it work,” Tesfaye said .
The Hill School isn’t a normal environment to have a romantic relationship. Most teenagers see their significant others after school, but at the end of the day they get to go home. At Hill, we share the same campus and the same home. It is worth considering the possible ramifications on relationships caused by attending a boarding school.
“Hill is a good environment for healthy relationships. Students should recognize that there are a lot of definitions about what a romantic relationship is and what a romantic relationship is not,” Dean of Students Mr. Baum said.
The sexual intimacy policy is intentionally vague leaving room for potential problems. Students are getting mixed signals about what is encouraged and what isn’t. It is rooted in our inability to communicate with each other when it comes to relationships and intimacy.
Students spend most of their time outside of class with members of the same gender in sports and dorms. The nature of our school makes it difficult to spend time alone with a member of the opposite sex and gives the fishbowl effect. This makes it harder to foster close relationships with people of the opposite gender.
The school’s very limited visitation policy in opposite sex dorms is meant to protect other students who do not want to be exposed to any sexual interactions. “A healthy romantic relationship does not need to include sex. Most research suggests that engaging in a sexual relationship at a certain age in not healthy as far as brain development,” Mr. Baum said.
I can’t help but wonder why there are no restrictions on same-sex couples in the dorms. “There are rules about homosexual relationships as we become aware of them. Even though they are able to visit each other’s rooms, we trust that nothing will take place that goes against those rules,” Baum said.
I have a hard time believing that it is simply about our safety. If it was, homosexual and heterosexual couples would have the same rules. What are heterosexual couples at risk of that homosexual couples are not? Pregnancy.
I know that the school’s primary concern is taking care of us, but we need to look at the bigger picture. The faculty must realize that the rules they enforce have an effect on how students treat members of the opposite sex. The School’s Handbook as it currently is, gives the impression to the students that the school believes boys and girls can’t form platonic relationships, but the only thing that can help the culture is if we encourage those relationships.
“When a girl is far away, it’s easier to say things and sexualize her. If that girl is your friend, then you’re going to want to stand up for her when someone else is speaking about her,” Tesfaye said.
The sixth formers will be leaving for college in less than a year. When there are no rules to protect them from unhealthy relationships, how will students know the difference between healthy and toxic? When there are no restrictions on how we spend time with the opposite sex, how will students know what it means to be “just friends?”
It might be time for Hill to rethink the rules about dorms. We need to learn to trust ourselves.