The Bible is widely regarded as one of the most influential books in human history. It, and any of its renditions, have built nations, destroyed civilizations, and altered the course of humanity’s evolution.  

The Bible pales in comparison to the Hill School handbook. The handbook is ripe with both advice and guidelines for survival on this campus — and the next. A book as living as it is digital, the handbook changed in response to the ever-evolving demands of the dynamic Hill School community. In its slender binding, it tells us stories of tribulations and trials we’ve faced. Each rule updated and each change in phrasing is another evolution to protect The Hill School against the relentless onslaught of juvenile delinquency.  

Let’s begin where all great Hill Students do: the packing list. Thankfully, we’re reminded to bring the staples of daily life like pillows, clothes, environmentally-friendly dishwashing liquid, USB flash drives, stamps, envelopes and address books (29-30).  

In addition, the safety of the dorms is ensured on the extensive list of unpermited items. It is here that the tales of long-gone Hill students remain enshrined our school’s literature. Take, for instance, the ban on power tools, fog machines, or voice assistant devices. I find it immensely difficult to see a world in which these were placed on the list preventatively, and not retroactively.   

I typically like to watch movies on the big screen. This is alright with The Hill it would seem, so long as the monitor doesn’t exceed 27 inches. If you’re in the mood for a projector, however, you’d have a bit more trouble as the book states that “Boarding students may not have projectors exceeding 27 inches” and that they may not have projectors at all (31, 68). To summarize, you may not have a projector, but if you did–which you can’t–it must be less than 27 inches (Wide? High? Area?). You also may not have a DVD player, which will certainly disappoint the broad majority of the Hill student body that streams movies. 

In true Hill fashion, I sought to see what other wonders lay within this hallowed text. I consulted an expert on this subject, Atticus Short ’24, to find out more. Short then enlightened me to the aptly named “Horse Conundrum”.  According to The Hill School handbook, a student may ride a horse around campus, provided the following rules are obeyed: 1. The horse does not enter the dorm (Regulation 14, page 19). 2. The horse is brought by the student’s parents to campus, but not during the school day and it must be gone by 7:15 PM on evenings with buffet dinners (Page 14). 3. The horse does not cause significant damage to Hill property, like eating grass or defecating 4. The horse is non-motorized (Regulation 2, Page 19). 5. Finally, the horse may not be disreputable to The Hill School name.  

The Handbook may seem intimidating with its paradoxical projectors and equally confusing equine creatures, but rest assured that, as many rules as you may break, our teachers break more when they fail to realize that all assignments—the ones on Canvas included—must be “due at 10:30 p.m., 8:15 a.m., or during the class meeting” (Page 41).