Verba Volant, Scripta Manent

The Hill News

Verba Volant, Scripta Manent

The Hill News

Verba Volant, Scripta Manent

The Hill News

SATIRE: A Hill guide to finding love on campus


In memory of St. Valentine, the patron saint of beekeepers, Feb. 14 has been consecrated, rooted firmly in our society as a day of courtship, romance, and love. Here in Pottstown, Pennsylvania, The Dell is running red with love as our beautiful campus becomes a breeding ground for all sorts of romance. That’s not to say it’s easy, however. Finding love in this economy is harder than ever. So, for all my Hill boys out there, I’ve created a foolproof guide to getting your dream girl. Not even a third former could mess this up! 

Step 1: The Courting. 

In a world where images like Timothy Chalamet in a top hat reign supreme, how are humble men like us supposed to maintain “rizz?” The key surely lies in confidence. You must portray that you are infallible, all-knowing, and generally super chill. In addition, be sure to dress to impress. Something fresh, chic, but awe-inspiring. Something that no one else is clever enough to dream of and will set you apart as the dreamiest man to ever grace the Quadrivium. A go-to for men looking to dress inspirationally is poorly fit khakis, navy blazer, white shirt, and unassuming tie. When wearing this, stay alert for the many girls who will be pouncing upon you like hyenas on the carcass of a gazelle. 

Step 2: The set-up.  

As all hopeless romantics know, the best way to tell if a girl is into you is not by asking, reading her body language, or otherwise analyzing data, but rather by engaging in prolonged, complicated conversations with her friends. Once you’re around 60% sure that they might like you, it’s time to strike. The key here is using language that conveys, beyond a shadow of a doubt, your heart-throbbing infatuation: something like “hey” or “wyd” will surely do the trick. 

Step 2: The Date. 

So, the big day is here. I’d tell you the hardest part is over, but I’d be lying. The most important element of a good date is location, so be sure to pick one that screams “romance.” For the classic man, perhaps a walk around the pitch, culminating in a love-stricken conversation in front of Rolfe or Foster. For the studious-minded fellas, a library hangout may be in order. Don’t talk too much, but also don’t get that much work done. What’s best is if you are quick to call over one of her or your friends to join you. The big ballers out there can get themselves something at The Grille, but make sure you don’t extend the offer to her — it’s a sign of weakness. Another bold, but effective, option is the athletic contest. Tell her to show up to your game, match, or meet. It matters not if you win or even play, but you’ll be in the same room as her! 

Step 3: Follow Through. 

It’s hard enough to get girls, so hold on tight. Text her consistently, but never continually. Say “hi” in the hallways, but nothing more. Ask to hang out again, or—better yet—just wait for her to do it. Do all these things and maybe — maybe — you will have a shot at a real Hill romance. 

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