I would like to preface this article by saying that I did not conceptualize it. I only like to write articles on the real threats and mysteries of our community, such as the OSS. But, I am here so there are not any blank pages in this issue of the Hill News. 

Obviously, the idea for an article like this could have only come from someone who is in a relationship – thank you, Stephen Giannikas. I’ll be the first to say that my luck with dating is similar to Abraham Lincoln’s luck with seeing plays or JFK’s luck riding in convertibles. For anyone who is older and reading this or feels like they are admitting defeat by using Urban Dictionary, cuffing season is when – in the colder months – everyone starts pairing off into relationships. It’s a particularly scary season when girls start planning Martha’s Vineyard weddings on Pinterest with guys who finish their math homework in the bathroom seconds before class starts. In the once in a blue moon when I leave my dorm room, I can’t walk past a bench or couch without seeing some couple half-making out – it’s like watching the beginning of a bad movie 30 times over. 

Listen, I’m not here to put an end to all of the high-fiving or whatever the student handbook allows couples to do. Great things can happen in high school relationships – like when Jonah Hill ends up with Emma Stone at the end of “Superbad.” Bad things can happen too – like how in “High School Musical,” Troy was with Gabriella, who was only good for swimming and crying, while Sharpay was out there the whole time setting up meetings for him with important people to further his basketball career! But hey, there probably is someone really great out there for you who you may have been ignoring (read between the lines: /T/A/Y/L/O/R/). 

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what I have to say, because this article is about three pages into the newspaper and only four people are going to read it. I’d be surprised if the editors even took the time to fix up my joke about adult movies (Editor’s Note: We did.). But let’s cut to the chase. You read the article this far – I’m funny or, maybe, just confident. All of the time older women stop me to tell me how beautiful I am. I was also voted “most likely to be on Saturday Night Live” by my middle school class. And finally, one time at a One Direction concert, Louis waved directly at me. So if you are interested, please contact me by email: [email protected].