SATIRE: Top three Valentine’s Day activities

Valentine’s Day is fast approaching, and many are wondering how to approach this winter staple in our current conditions. After all, in this snowy season, what better to warm the frozen hearts of the masses than love? Here follows the top three things you can do for you and your significant other this Feb. 14!

  1. Wallow in your loneliness.

For those of us who, as is fondly described, have a Rice Purity Test score equivalent to a 4.00 GPA, Valentine’s Day is an annual reminder of the reality of being eligible. While pictures of couples and Valentine’s sales flood the internet, it can be difficult to avoid the inevitable self-pity and disappointment of bachelor-dom. But not to worry: that doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy the day for what it’s worth! 

 Valentine’s Day is meant to be widely accessible. There are no constraints (other than maybe legal ones) on how a person can or cannot live out this time-honored occasion, so take the time to treat yourself! Buy some on-sale chocolates, watch a cheesy movie, go outside and make snowmen for the first time since you were 12. You’ve managed to make it a year through a pandemic, and all of the interruptions it’s brought, and that’s pretty worthy of celebrating. 

  1. The moon sure is beautiful tonight … 

When it comes to Valentine’s Day, it’s often “go big or go home.” For those of us who prefer larger gestures to convey the breadth of our affections, let this be the ultimate showcase. The grand finale; the end-of-ends. 

Preparation is simple: All you need is the moon (simple to obtain), a laser shape filter (simple to obtain), and a few confinement beams from the National Ignition Society (may be more difficult to obtain).

 But Melody, you ask. What will I be doing with 500 terawatt lasers? Does my lawyer need to be on call? To answer your second question, my friend, this may be easier to pull off if you are under 18 at the time of Feb. 14. Your sentence may be shorter. 

Back to the master plan: 

 Across time, the moon has symbolized the connection between individuals and lovers. We all live under the same sky; we all see the same moon, and what better way to deliver the message of your affections than to project it across the lunar surface? In these divided times, your significant other is sure to appreciate both the breath of your cultural knowledge and the depth of your commitment. 

And, luckily for us, the moon will be just before the first quarter on the 14th, giving plenty of darkness to light up with the force of your love. 

  1. What? There’s more?

 In the end, the true Valentine’s Day staple is a celebration of love. 

Love doesn’t have to be constrained to the romantic; in fact, love for friends and love for family can be just as strong, if not stronger, than one’s love for their partner. Take this Valentine’s Day to show your loved ones how much they mean to you. Cook a special dish, organize a video call, make a cardboard cutout of your sibling’s favorite actor and jump-scare them in the morning. When it comes to showing love, what matters is the intent, not so much how flashy the outcome. 

For many of us, this is our first Valentine’s Day at home since starting high school. Take this time, either in person or through a screen, to show others you care in the little ways, the little ways that count!

Or, you can steal the most powerful laser in the world to do so. I can’t stop you.